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Sunday, 23 March 2008

I was sitting here on my computer looking at pictures of me and my grandma, thinking about her laugh , some of her trademark sayings and how good her hugs felt and how loved it made me feel even just a little over two weeks ago she would hug me , kiss my cheek , tell me that she loved me and how I was one of the good ones. I was thinking about that. Mainly the hugs when I thought about how cold her hand was when I touched a little over a week ago at her funeral and how its kinda cold out now and her body is out there in the ground all alone. I cant be sure but I hope where she is she isnt alone but that March 3rd she walked with Jesus. What kinda life is it and how could we cope with death of anyone we loved or cared about if we just believed that was all there was , that death was it , the end. That my grandma was over and all that remains of her is what is buried out in the cold dirt. God knows where my grandma is and I know for sure she is in one of two places and I know neither of those places is out in the cold dirt alone. Still its hard to think of her body, the arms that hugged me not too long ago are out there alone.
I keep having a dream about her and waking up crying. Its not a dream tho. Its just a replay. From the moment of getting the call from my mom asking me to come through her tears to watching her struggling to breathe to her not breathing. I see people die occasionally in my job but its different when its your family memember , when its one of the few people tat has ever loved you unconditionally laying there dying and you can do absolutely nothing to stop it. The replays suck but I am so glad I was one of the few privileged enough to be at her bedside when she left. I miss her.

Monday, 22 October 2007

Life has been good this week or well since I have last posted. Mostly good that is.
Work was really hard on my 24 hr shift saturday 8am - sunday 8am. Had hard patients and just didnt really get to rest or sleep much at all. maybe 3 hrs total that night and not all at once. My new partner Weds was alright but it turns out that I still dont have a permanent partner for my regular weds shift. I am getting to do another 24 hr shift Weds with Chris tho which I always look forward to working with. I love working with him most of the time. Haha and if we get to sleep I can sleep in my undies without it being weird or a problem. With Travis my Saturday partner I cant really do that. I might be able to now but I kinda was starting to like him(which I didnt want to cause hes not a christian etc) until this Saturday. My growing crush or whatever you wanna call it ended hardcore. Cant really say why so much but it involved his attitude and how he treated some patients and how he did his job.
Internally im struggling a little. I love my job , Im passionant about it. My life is still missing something tho. Im thinking its a family. I want one so bad I can taste it. Haha like thats even possible. I dont know how to describe the feeling but its crazifying ,I have found my passion and got a job doing it yet something is still missing. I know what I want I guess but I cant just make it happen. Its up to God and thats hard.
My grandma isnt doing to good. Or well she wasnt today. It was more than I could take so I had to leave. I went over there to take them lunch . I could tell by how my granpap was when he opened the door something wasnt right. He was very stressed and nervous. My grandma was really nauseated and just kept saying to my grandpap Georgy why do I feel like shit. That might not sound like a big deal but my grandma never complains about how she feels, ever. She had a breast removed due to cancer and refused to take pain pills prolly about 8 years ago. Shes hardcore. The part that got me tho was her agonal gasping for air breaths. I cant take that. I hate watching anyone struggle to breathe . Every few minutes she would gasp for air. I called the nurse and told her what was going on and she came out with some meds and by dinner when I returned she was doing better.
Its nice and chilly like a fall night should be so I think Im gonna open my window and curl up in a cocoon .

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Man this weekend was horrible. I went in to Oklahoma City to do my Air Force Reserve weekend. The worst weekend I have had in the 5 years Ive been in. It left me feeling beaten down and drained. Im starting to feel better . I just chilled out at home tonight which I havent done in what seems forever. Most nights that Im not working are spent at my grandmas but tonight I needed a rest , so I stopped by for a short visit and came home. I should be rested up for work tomorow but Ive just been so tired lately that I just dont know, however I love my job so that makes it possible to do it even if I am tired. Im starting with a new Wednesday partner tomorow that Im a little anxious about but Im sure it will be fine. Anyhow Im going to bed.

Sunday, 07 October 2007

Had a good weekend of work. Went in Friday morning and took a patient to Dallas. It was a long long day. My partner for the day was Chris my cousin so we had fun. It was three am before I was at the station then in bed. Missed all of the OU Texas game yesterday because I was out on calls. It was nice to get off this morning come home take a nap and to think that I just got 50 hours of work and only worked a few days. I love my job. There are difficult times but mostly I love it. I mean what other job can you work 2 days and still get overtime. It has a purpose too. Everytime I go to work I get directly help people in their times of need and that is a good feeling, a feeling of purpose. Hah and i get to drive really fast and I have lights and sirens .
Ive been hanging out with my grandma as much as I can. Im not thinking she will make three months. I will be suprised if she makes it through october.
My life feels wierd now. Time of change I suppose. My heart aches in so many ways , I should just get used to it but I dont know if heart ache is something you ever can get used to.

Sunday, 30 September 2007

I finished up a 50 hour work week this morning at 8 am . It went well considering the broken elbow and all. Much better then I had expected. It gave out on me once while putting someone in the back of the ambulance, I didnt drop the patient or anything crazy like that thank God and from then on my partner did the heavy lifting.
It has been a really really long week for me. I went back to work for the first time since I broke my elbow on Tuesday. Worked Tuesday and Wednesday for Mercy Regional Ambulance , then when I got off with them Weds. night at 1030 I drove to OKC for some af reserve stuff Thursday.Then went in Sat morning and didnt get off till early today.
I got a call Tuesday night at work to tell me about my grandmas results of her bone marrow test. The doctors told her that she has acute lukemia and has at most three months to live. My mom could barely get the words out on the phone . It was like a sucker punch to the stomach for me. Its hard not to cry so yah I still cant really talk about it except like on here. My grandma loves me, unconditionally. You only have so many of people in your life that will love you like that.This hurts. Aches.